You and me
by Yellowwolf
Summary: You said it would always be you and me. I believed it. You made me feel like an idiot for ever doubting our friendship, even made me feel guilty for ever doubting you. Now I realize I was an idiot for ever believing you.


**Disclaimer:** Don't own Clark and Lex, just like to play with them.

**Author's note:** Inspired on recent events though most of it is pure fiction.

_**You and me**_

You said it would always be you and me. You promised me when the insecurities about our friendship got the better of me, you told me a million of times. You said I was like a brother to you, that you preferred spending time with me over spending time with anyone else. Every time you told me, I believed it. You made me feel like an idiot for ever doubting our friendship, even made me feel guilty for ever doubting you. Now I realize I was an idiot for ever believing you.

At first, we saw each other pretty much every day and even if we didn't, you'd e-mail me, just talk to me, let me know you cared. Then you started pulling away. I didn't think anything of it. Why would I? I knew you were busy with school. I remember my school days, I know what a bitch it can be. So I thought you being busy with school was the reason you didn't come around anymore. Heck, I was busy too. I mean, I have a factory to run and have to try to keep my father of my back. To be honest, the latter is more time-consuming then the former. My father is just waiting for me to screw up so he can come in and gloat, tell me that he was right, that I can't do it. You talked me to through my insecurities about what I was doing, you listened to me. A smile or a pat on the shoulder would usually be enough to make me feel like I could do it. I needed –need– you.

I started noticing it wasn't just school anymore. You still had time to go to the Talon and hang out with Lana and Chloe. I ran into you there a couple of times, pretending it didn't hurt that you hadn't thought to invite me, pretending that the hole in my heart where you are wasn't getting bigger, telling myself I had no right to feel betrayed, pretending that the fact that we live in different worlds wasn't tearing us apart more effectively than any fight could. But I clung to our friendship as if it was my life line, as if it was the last thing that kept me from going under.

I didn't even have to pretend to be happy when we did get to talk because I was happy that you managed to make some time for me, that we got to catch up, even if it was only for a couple of minutes. Whenever we talked, the hole in my heart got smaller and I believed it would be different this time. It never was. You'd become distant again but only distant from me.

Around Lana and Chloe, you were your usual happy self (For as far as that's possible with you since more often than not you seem to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders) but around me you were different, more reserved.

It was no surprise that it led to a fight, I guess I snapped. You told me once more it would always be you and me, that you'd rather be with me than with anyone else. I fell for it, every fiber of my being believed it. The hole in my heart healed and for a while, I lived in this happy daze, remembering your words and holding onto them, repeating them in my head and realizing how lucky I was to have you as a friend. After all, I accused you of some pretty bad things in our fight but you explained to me calmly and rationally where I was wrong, asked me to forgive you. So I did. I wondered if you could ever forgive me. I felt guilty for saying those things to you, I felt guilty for hurting you and I felt stupid because the things I said where so far from the truth that it made me ashamed.

Not long after the fight, you became distant again and I wondered if it was still playing in your head, that maybe I had ruined things between us although you said things between us could never be ruined. Doubt and wonder drove me insane but I was too cowardly to ask you, too scared that I had it wrong again, that I would come across somehow as needy and pathetic. I couldn't have that, you looked up to me, thought I was so strong but in all honesty, I'm not. You are the first real friend I have ever had, the first one to make me feel as if I was interesting, as if I mattered.

So maybe I'm holding on to our friendship out of desperation, out of need because I need to feel as if I could do right. You are the one person who believes in me in a world where my name is enough for people to assume the worst about me. Your innocence gave me hope, your words of comfort unfroze my heart. You made me feel alive, made me feel as if I wasn't meant to play the part that my father wanted me to play.

Maybe I should be angry with you, maybe I should start yelling at you, tell you all of the things I have kept hidden for so long out of fear that you would end up hating me. Maybe I should just keep quiet, try to figure out for myself where I stand. No matter how much it kills me. Guess I'm a sucker for punishment. The conflicting emotions, the thoughts of previous conversations, the thoughts of previous meetings keep repeating in my head. Some memories make me think I'm making a big deal out of nothing, others make me realize something is definitely not right between us, some memories make me realize our friendship just can't be.

But no matter what, I will always love you. No matter what, you will always be my brother. You will always be that person even if I'm not that person to you anymore. You'll still be that person when thinking about you makes my heart ache and shatter into a million of pieces. You'll still be that person when you walk past me without acknowledging me. You'll still be that person when everything in my life goes downhill and you start hating me.

You have to power to make or break me, Clark, and right now, you're breaking me.

_The end_


End file.
